


You Know I Want You, It’s Not A Secret I Try To Hide

by APerfectNobody



Series: Rewrite The Stars [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Anakin Skywalker Being an Idiot, Anakin Skywalker Hates Sand, Anakin Skywalker Loves Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker Needs a Hug, Anakin Skywalker is a Little Shit, Anakin's Nonexistent Flirting Skills, Awkward Flirting, Bad Flirting, But Does Obi-Wan Love Him Back?, Human Disaster Anakin Skywalker, Human Disaster Obi-Wan Kenobi, Love Confessions, M/M, Obi-Wan Kenobi Loves Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Little Shit, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Mess, Padawan Anakin Skywalker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:42:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24319771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/APerfectNobody/pseuds/APerfectNobody
Summary: Anakin and Obi-Wan’s story from their Master and Padawan days.
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker
Series: Rewrite The Stars [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1755670
Comments: 40
Kudos: 175





	1. I know you want me

“Anakin, no.”

"Anakin, yes!"

Obi-Wan sighed. Anakin was an adult now, eighteen standard years old. So why was he still acting like the child he had been when they first met? “Anakin, seriously. This is getting ridiculous.”

Anakin pouted. His Master kept getting frustrated with his behavior, and shutting it down before he could actually do anything. All Anakin wanted was his attention. Why, he had no idea. But he did. Currently, Anakin was trying to goad Obi-Wan into daring him to scale one of the temple walls. And okay, he knew it sounded ridiculous, but he was running out of ideas. It had been months and months of trying and failing to get his Master to look his way, to be impressed with him. And still, nothing. Anakin knew he should stop, or at least take a moment to maybe figure out why he was so desperate to receive even just a smile from his Master, but like he said, he was getting desperate.

“Master Kenobi, Padawan Skywalker.” Master Windu suddenly appeared out of literally nowhere, greeting them before getting right to the point. “There is a situation on Alderaan. We need you two to go there. You will be debriefed on the specifics of the mission on the way there.” Not waiting for a reaction, he turned back around and left.

“…Okay.” Anakin would never get used to some of the people in this temple. “I guess we’re going to Alderaan then?”

“Yes, I suppose we are.” Obi-Wan nodded.

Anakin smirked. “I’m climbing the wall as soon as we get back.”

“Anakin!”

\---

The trip to Alderaan was several hours long. And Obi-Wan had apparently decided to be incredibly boring and meditate the whole way there. Which meant that Anakin was left to his own devices, but with strict instructions to not deconstruct anything onboard for the purpose of ‘making it better’. There was literally nothing else to do. 

After an hour of sitting in the cockpit, staring into the dark abyss of space, Anakin decided if this continued any longer he was going to go mad. He needed to find something to do. 

He turned around, opening his mouth to ask Obi-Wan for ideas, but abruptly closed it. Obi-Wan, in his state of total relaxation, was… beautiful. How had he never realized it before? Now, staring at his Master, he realized why he had been trying so hard to get his attention. Right now, his face was completely relaxed, not the tired look he wore when he usually looked at Anakin. His hair was so soft and smooth, Anakin didn’t even have to feel it to know, he could see it. The blonde strands blended in nicely with the more coppery ones, creating a bright and magnificent halo around his head. Everything about him was amazing. Perfect.

Wait… oh shit.

\---

“I hate the sand.”

“…What?” Obi-Wan found himself very confused at the random statement from his Padawan.

“Uh… well… um…” Anakin had no idea what to say or do now. “You know what? Never mind.”

“Okay? Anyway, this should be a very simple mission. Mostly investigating, according to what I was told. We just need to gather information, watch over the negotiations taking place in the palace, and not interfere unless absolutely necessary. Got it?”

Anakin had been entranced by the mere sight of Obi-Wan’s lips moving, and hadn’t heard a thing. Nevertheless, he didn’t want the object of his affections to be disappointed or frustrated with him. So, he did what anyone in his situation would do. “Yep, got it.”

\---

“I can’t believe you did that.”

“What? I was defending her.”

“She didn’t need defending Anakin. We were meant to stay out of the way. This was not our negotiation.” Obi-Wan scolded him. “We were not supposed to give our opinions, Padawan. Or defend anyone else’s. I know you had good intentions, but this was not why we were here.

Anakin stared at the ground. “I know, I’m sorry.”

Obi-Wan continued on as if he hadn’t heard anything Anakin said. “And now they want us gone, for interfering. We needed this info.”

“I know!” Anakin yelled. Obi-Wan kept ignoring him, and he was sick of it.

Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow at him. “Clearly you don’t. I thought I had been clear on our instructions, but that all just went in one ear and out the other didn’t it?”

Anakin blushed. “Not exactly…”

“What does that mean?”

“Well, I was… distracted.” Anakin admitted.

Obi-Wan sighed. His Padawan always got distracted too easily. Truly, it was a wonder the ever managed to get anything done at all. “Distracted by what exactly?”

“…You.” Anakin said.

“Me? How in the galaxy did I distract you from listening to me?” Obi-Wan asked, very much confused.

“Um… I don’t know. The sound of your voice, your face, everything about you really…”

Obi-Wan was still confused, but began to realize something. But no, it couldn’t be. He waited to see if Anakin would explain more.

“You’re just really… um… distracting. In many ways.” Anakin mumbled.

“…Oh.”


	2. So don't keep saying our hands are tied

“Obi-Wan… can we talk?”

Anakin was nervous. He had yet to explicitly tell Obi-Wan how he had been feeling, even though there had been several near slip-ups in the past few weeks. Namely day one after having realized his feelings when he confessed how distracting Obi-Wan was, and about two weeks in when he had accidentally found himself thinking out loud about how hot Obi-Wan looked when he was sweaty and exhausted from a long day of training.

Anakin squirmed. Just thinking about that day had him feeling very… uncomfortable.

“…akin? Anakin!” Obi-Wan waved a hand in his face, bringing him back to the present.

“Sorry, what?”

Obi-Wan sighed. “I asked ‘what it is you want to talk about’? But you were too busy drifting off into space… as always.” He rolled his eyes.

Anakin blanched. He had zoned out again. That was the third time today and Obi-Wan was the reason every single time. This was already not going well. “Um… well I wanted to ask you about the Code.”

Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow in surprise. “The Code? What about it?” He eyed his Padawan suspiciously.

“What does it say about love and lust? I mean, I know attachment is forbidden but… what if you want someone but don’t form any attachments to said person?”

“Anakin that doesn’t make any sense. Love is the greatest form of attachment. When you love someone and they love you, you belong to each other in a way. Jedi cannot belong to anyone, and nothing can belong to us. There is no way you could love someone and not be attached to them.”

“Well, let’s say, hypothetically… you wanted to be with someone intimately, but knew you couldn’t love them even if you already did.” Anakin blushed, but forced himself to continue. “Like, you’re so in love with this person but because of who you both are you can’t do anything about that. Could you at least do something about the need to hold them close and feel their arms around you? To call them yours in some way, in a sexual way, even though you know it will never be true?”

Obi-Wan’s eyes softened. Anakin was in love with someone? Though he would never admit it, his stomach twisted, and his heart clenched at the thought. And not for the reasons they should have. “Anakin… who are you in love with?”

Anakin panicked. What was he supposed to say? “Um… that’s not important. And you never answered my question.” He pointed out.

Obi-Wan sighed. “Anakin, it’s too risky. If you’re in love with someone, then you’re already way too attached to them.” Anakin was much too pale for his liking. “I won’t tell anyone, so you can stop looking so worried. But if anything, this is where you should sever all ties to them. Especially if it’s someone who doesn’t know you love them. It will hurt less that way. They’ll never know about the love they couldn’t have, and you don’t have to worry about whether or not they return the feelings.”

“But Master, it’s impossible.” Anakin mumbled.

“What’s impossible?” Obi-Wan asked.

“Severing all ties. This isn’t someone I can just cut out of my life. I see them every day.”

Obi-Wan’s gaze turned suspicious again. But there was no way. Anakin couldn’t possibly be talking about who he suspected he was talking about. Absolutely not. But he had to know for sure… “Why, Anakin? Why is it so impossible?”

“…Because it’s you.”

Obi-Wan gasped. Well… shit.

\---

They hadn’t spoken in seven days. A whole week. The anxiety was threatening to drive Anakin insane. After he had confessed his true feelings to Obi-Wan, his Master had made excuses as to why he had to leave and hightailed it out of their shared quarters. 

According to Plo Koon, he had gone to Dex’s for the day. Master Plo had had to drag his drunken Master back to the temple that night, shoving him in the general direction of his bedroom before turning to Anakin, giving a vague explanation, and leaving.

Obi-Wan had been avoiding Anakin like he was some kind of plague for the past week. Anytime Anakin entered a room he was in, suddenly he had a very urgent reason to leave. Anakin tried not to feel hurt by it, but no matter what he did, he still felt like shit. He was a mess, and by the looks of it, his Master was as well.

Anakin decided that he’d had it with this. He barely slept at night, barely ate at mealtimes, and his training was going terribly. All because Obi-Wan had decided to completely abandon him. Enough was enough.

He glanced up, seeing Obi-Wan enter their quarters and heading straight for his own room. “Master! We need to talk.”

Obi-Wan froze. He slowly turned to face his Padawan, but refused to look him in the eyes. “There is nothing for us to talk about.”

“Yes, there is.” Anakin rolled his eyes. “You’ve been avoiding me. And I know why, but just because you don’t like what I said, that doesn’t mean you can avoid me forever. We have to talk eventually, and it’s only going to get harder the longer you wait.”

Obi-Wan’s eyebrows shot up. How is it that his immature, irrational, impulsive young Padawan was handling this better than he was? That simply wouldn’t do. He sighed. “Fine, Padawan. You want to talk? Let’s talk.” He walked over, sitting down on the opposite side of their couch, and motioning for him to begin.

“…I get it. You don’t feel the same way. You can’t, even if you wanted to.” Anakin began, a near permanent frown on his face. “I just wish you would talk to me. I… miss you. I never realized how much of my life required you in it to function correctly, but now I do. Everything has gone to shit, and all I can think about is how much I need you to tell me it’s okay.” His eyes filled with tears, words becoming more strained. “How I need you to say that, even though you don’t return my feelings, you’re still here for me. I can get over it, Master, I promise. I just need you back in my life.”

Obi-Wan’s heart ripped itself to shreds. He was so busy worrying about his side of this, that he completely forgot how painful Anakin’s must be. “Ani…” Anakin looked up at that. Obi-Wan hadn’t used that nickname since he was a child. “I’m sorry. My reaction was completely wrong. And I’m sorry I haven’t noticed how everything’s been going for you this past week.” He lowered his head, ashamed. “But I promise, I will always be here for you. Even though it may not seem like it sometimes.”

Anakin sobbed, flinging himself at Obi-Wan. It was a bit difficult. After all, they were still sitting down, and Anakin was very tall. He ended up with his arms around Obi-Wan’s shoulders, his face buried in Obi-Wan’s neck, and his legs straddling Obi-Wan’s. 

Which, of course, caused Obi-Wan to stiffen up for a second before he realized that Anakin wasn’t trying to do anything, he just wanted some comfort. So, he brought up his arms and wrapped them around his crying Padawan. 

Anakin slowly began to return to himself, breathing deeply in an attempt to calm down. The warm slow exhales on Obi-Wan’s neck sent shivers down his spine. Eventually Anakin had calmed down enough to sit up, wearing a sheepish and embarrassed expression as he did so. He sniffled. “Sorry about… that.” He apologized, waving around vaguely.

Obi-Wan looked up at him fondly. “It’s alright, Ani. There is no need for you to apologize.”

Anakin nodded, before adopting a confused look on his face. “What happens now?”

“Now… it’s late. We will freshen up, and go to bed. Anything else left to talk about, we will discuss in the morning. I’m tired, and I can tell you are as well.” Obi-Wan answered.

“Okay.” Anakin agreed. They got up and began to make their way to their separate rooms. Anakin paused just outside his door, hand on the knob. Suddenly he realized something. “Hey, Master? You never answered the other thing I said.”

Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow at him, confused. “What other thing?”

“The part where I said you didn’t return my feelings.” At this, Obi-Wan’s eyes widened. He had avoided that on purpose. “You never addressed that part. Like, to confirm or deny it.”

Obi-Wan opened his mouth as if he was going to say something, before apparently deciding against it. He looked Anakin in the eyes and smirked, walked into his room, and shut the door behind him.

Anakin stood there for another moment, before walking into his own room. What did that smirk mean?


	3. You claim it's not in the cards

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so i promised crack and the last chapter was a little bit more of the angst hurt comfort type so here you go !!! anakin's flirting skills !!! this is not quite how i had planned for this chapter to go but i got a random idea and ran with it and this was the end result... i hope y'all like it !!!

“Why won’t you just tell me?”

“Because I can’t. You need to figure it out yourself.”

“Obi-Wan…” Anakin whined. They had been going back and forth for a few days now. Any chance that Anakin got, he asked what the smirk had meant. Obi-Wan seemed determined to never ever tell him. 

Of course, Anakin had his theories, but there was no way any of them could be true. Especially not the one he desperately wanted to be true, but didn’t dare hope that it was.

So, he kept pushing. And Obi-Wan kept fondly rolling his eyes, and refusing to tell him anything. It was incredibly frustrating. “Come on, Master. Pleeeaaase?” Anakin pleaded, dragging the word out as much as he possibly could. He even threw in his signature puppy eyes, hoping his old trick would work as well as it always had in getting Obi-Wan to give in to him.

Obi-Wan only laughed. “No, Anakin.”

\---

“Is it because you—”

“Padawan Skywalker!” Master Windu scolded. “Enough with the whispering. Pay attention.”

Obi-Wan tried and failed to suppress his smirk. Anakin had once again been asking about the night, just over a couple of weeks ago, when they began to talk things out. The only reason they were still talking about it is because the following morning Obi-Wan had refused to answer any question that had to do with his side of the story.

Now Anakin was pouting. His frustration at not knowing why Obi-Wan had looked at him that way, and had since continued to look at him in a similar manner, was growing. 

Obi-Wan was endlessly amused. He knew his poor Padawan was suffering, but he genuinely couldn’t tell him. It went against everything he had learned since he was a youngling. If Anakin needed to know so badly, he could figure it out himself.

\---

Anakin had decided to change tactics. It had been almost a month, and he was getting tired of hearing the same answers every time he brought it up. Of course, these new tactics were troublesome as well, and would likely get him into trouble, but he wasn’t very good at coming up with ideas for things like this and this had seemed like a good one at the time.

He was going to flirt with Obi-Wan.

Okay, he knew it wasn’t the best plan. Especially considering how his last attempt at flirting with his Master had gone. But it was worth a shot, right? Either Obi-Wan would get so irritated with his ridiculousness that he gave up, or he would confirm one of Anakin’s theories.

He decided to begin the next morning during training.

\---

Anakin’s brain was short circuiting. This was a bad idea, probably one of the worst he’s ever had. Trying to come up with a way to flirt while watching Obi-Wan demonstrate the move he was teaching him had proven to be impossible. What was he thinking?

Okay, Plan B. “Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world.” Yes, Plan B was using horrible pick up lines he had heard other Padawans use. No, Anakin did not think this through. Yes, he was going to do it anyway.

“…What?” Obi-Wan stared at him as if he had suddenly grown two extra heads.

Don’t panic. Keep going. “Do you have a bacta patch? Cause I scraped my knee falling for you.”

Obi-Wan began to laugh. “Anakin…”

“Can you touch my hand? I want to tell my friends I’ve been touched by an angel.”

At this one, Obi-Wan blushed. He ducked his head down, trying to hide it, but Anakin had already noticed. Well, that was interesting…

“Feel my jacket. You know what that is? Boyfriend material.”

“Anakin!” Obi-Wan yelled, grinning.

“Remember me? Oh, that’s right, I’ve met you only in my dreams.” 

Obi-Wan’s blush intensified. Was this terrible plan possibly actually working?

“Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk past you again?”

Obi-Wan’s face was now the same color as those berries he always put on their pancakes. Bright red. “Anakin, enough. Why are you doing this?”

“I’ve heard the other Padawan’s use these lines. It always made me laugh, so I figured you would too.”

Obi-Wan smiled. “Well, those lines are truly atrocious.” He began. “But they are also hilarious.”

Anakin grinned. Mission accomplished. Well, partly. There was still one thing…

“Obi-Wan… did you smirk at me, and have you been looking at me the way you have these last few weeks because… you actually do return my feelings?”

Obi-Wan’s eyes widened, his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. He sighed. “…Do I even need to say it? I think you already know what the answer is, Ani…”

Anakin’s grin widened. But before he could get another word in, Obi-Wan spoke again.

“But it’s like I said. I can’t do anything about it, no matter how much I may want to.”

Anakin’s face fell. It wasn’t quite a rejection, more an acceptance of circumstance on Obi-Wan’s side, but it that didn’t stop it from feeling like one. “…I have to go.” He ran out of the training room, wishing he had never said anything at all.


	4. Fate is pulling you miles away

“Skywalker.”

“…Yes?” Anakin snapped out of his trance.

“Did you hear anything I just said?” Master Windu asked, an irritated frown on his face.

Anakin did not. But it’s not like he could say that. “Yeah, totally.”

“Okay, then repeat it back to me.” Master Windu clearly wasn’t buying it.

“…Well, uh, something about the mission?” Anakin guessed.

Master Windu sighed. He turned to Obi-Wan, who had been watching their exchange with a look on his face that only those who knew him well enough would know meant that he was sad. “Kenobi. Please teach your Padawan how to pay attention when important things are being explained to him. I have places to be, I can’t explain again.” He said before getting up and beginning to leave. He paused at the door, turning around to face them once more. “And may the force be with you both.” He left.

“Anakin…” Obi-Wan began to say.

But things had been awkward between them. The Team wasn’t working as well as it usually did, and it seemed that everyone had noticed. It had been two weeks, and the four missions they’d had in that short time had nearly failed. All because of their inability to communicate like normal people.

Anakin looked up to meet his Master’s eyes. It was obvious Obi-Wan had no idea what to say, and maybe in the past, Anakin would have made some sort of comment about it or about anything really. But that was then, and this is now. And now…

“…Look, this mission could put us both in harms way. Did you manage to hear any of the info Mace gave us? Or should I explain it again?” Obi-Wan asked.

“I don’t know. All I know is it’s somewhere in the Outer Rim. I stopped listening right before he said which planet it was on.”

“Right… So then you heard basically nothing…” Obi-Wan concluded.

“Yep.”

Obi-Wan sighed. He had no idea what to do. And Anakin wasn’t helping at all. He desperately wanted to fix things between them, but there was no way to do it without giving in. And oh how he wanted to give in to Anakin. 

To come home from one of these missions, high on adrenaline like they always were, but instead of going their separate ways like they usually did, to fall into one of their beds together. He wanted to hold Anakin at night when the nightmares came. He wanted to take Anakin out in Coruscant, to be able to just walk around the city, visiting any shops Anakin might want to go to, and end the day with a dinner at one of those overpriced fancy restaurants that neither of them truly liked but Obi-Wan could enjoy on occasion and Anakin loved to make fun of. He wanted to buy Anakin an extravagant present on his birthday, and watch his face light up. But mostly, he just wanted to be able to call Anakin his, and he wanted to be Anakin’s.

But that wasn’t something he could ever have. Something either of them could have, with each other or anyone else. They were Jedi, and they had sworn an oath. They abided by a Code. If they were to form the relationship that they both knew they wanted, they would be kicked out of the Order. Anakin would probably say that he was fine with that. That the Order didn’t matter in comparison to his love. He was dramatic and emotional like that. 

But Obi-Wan couldn’t give it up so easily. He had grown up with the Jedi as his family. He couldn’t just abandon them. Although, for some reason… he got the feeling he wouldn’t have to worry about that for much longer. What that feeling meant, he had no idea. But he couldn’t shake the thought that the Jedi soon either wouldn’t matter… or wouldn’t exist.

But for now, they did. So, Obi-Wan couldn’t do anything about his attraction. He was already too attached, they both were.

“Anakin, this is ridiculous.” Obi-Wan sighed.

“What?” Anakin demanded, more than a little bit aggressively.

Obi-Wan made vague hand gestures, indicating between the two of them. “This.”

Anakin rolled his eyes. “Wow, thanks Master. I totally understand what you mean now.”

Obi-Wan sighed again. He seemed to do that a lot these days. “You and I. This… awkwardness. It’s ridiculous, and it needs to stop.”

“And what do you suggest we do about it, oh wise one?” Anakin asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I… don’t know.” Obi-Wan admitted.

Anakin narrowed his eyes. “Lovely. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go prepare for the mission.” He said, getting up to leave the meeting room.

“But you didn’t even hear anything. How could you possibly know what we need?” Obi-Wan wondered, but Anakin didn’t even turn around to face him. He just opened the door and walked out, giving an annoyed reply as he did.

“Don’t care, doesn’t matter.”

\---

“Where is he?!”

“Skywalker…”

“Don’t you fucking dare. Don’t patronize me, don’t treat me like I’m some clueless kid who doesn’t understand, and don’t assume that I’ll let this go and leave you alone if you just brush me off.” Anakin said harshly.

Obi-Wan was missing. No matter how mad he was at his Master, Obi-Wan was the most important person in his life right now. And if Master Windu thought he could leave Anakin out of the search, he was dead wrong. Anakin would go out and search the whole galaxy, killing anyone who stands in his way, until he found his Obi-Wan. Wait. No. Not his Obi-Wan, just Obi-Wan.

Master Windu sighed. “Padawan Skywalker, you cannot simply storm into a room, demand answers, and expect to get them without trouble every time. Especially not when those in the room don’t even know the answer to your question.”

So, they had no clue where Obi-Wan was either. Figures.

Anakin glanced around. All these supposedly amazing and legendary old geezers, and not one of them had anything to say about this. None of them knew where he was, or even where he could be. Or maybe they just didn’t want to tell him. Maybe Master Windu was lying. Yeah, that would make sense. They had never liked or approved of Anakin. What have they ever done for him anyway? They hate him. Fine. They didn’t want to give Anakin answers? Then he would go out looking for them himself.

They had gotten separated on Hoth. Of all the fucking places to find yourself alone, and unable to communicate with anyone. Of course it had to be the one planet where Obi-Wan could potentially freeze to death if he wasn’t careful.

Anakin was now on one of the Jedi transport ships, semi-orbiting the wretched ice planet. He was under strict orders not to leave the ship. They knew he would go out looking for his Master the second he was informed of Obi-Wan’s lack of return. Those old farts were smart, but not smart enough.

Anakin wedged himself into an entirely too small escape pod, ignoring the panicked voices at the end of the hallway, and hit the button to seal the door. He would find Obi-Wan, even if it killed him.

\---

“Obi-Wan!” Anakin called out. “Master!”

It didn’t make any sense. The tracker on Obi-Wan’s comm had led him here, but there was no Obi-Wan to be found. Suddenly, Anakin heard a crunch. He had stepped on, and promptly crushed, what appeared to be… Obi-Wan’s comm.

Oh, shit.

“OBI-WAN!” Anakin began to panic. Well, to be fair, he had already been panicking. But before, it had been contained and controlled. Kept internal. Now? “OBI-WAN PLEASE ANSWER ME! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!”

Nothing. Where could he possibly be?


	5. And out of reach from me

“We told you not to go back and look for him. And what do you do? Go anyway and nearly get both Kenobi and yourself killed.” Master Windu scolded. He had been lecturing Anakin for so long, that Anakin had lost track of how long he had been sitting there.

Anakin tilted his chin up in defiance. “Well somebody had to do it. You people were just sitting around and talking about the situation, while Obi-Wan was out there freezing to death.”

“And what could have possibly made you think you were fit to handle the situation?” Master Windu demanded.

“Well I did it, didn’t I? So either way, I was right.” Anakin stood by his actions. Even though it had gotten him in trouble, and caused him some severe frostbite. And of course made him to have to run away from a wampa. He didn’t regret it. He just hoped Obi-Wan wouldn’t be angry at him too.

\---

“I was so scared.”

No answer. Of course there wasn’t. Obi-Wan had been put into a drug-induced coma. The one Healer they had on board the ship was spread a bit thin, as she also had to tend to the other Jedi that had joined them on the mission. Obi-Wan mostly just needed to rest and let his body recover from the exhaustion and harsh temperatures. Hence the forced coma.

Anakin sighed. He needed to say these things. He would have preferred Obi-Wan to be awake, but maybe it was better this way. 

“I know you’ll probably be mad at me. After all, I did disobey direct orders from the Council. They are definitely mad.” He laughed a bit. “You should have seen it. You probably would have agreed with them to their faces, but thought their reactions were hilarious and made fun of them with me later.”

Anakin paused. That wasn’t right anymore…

“Actually, no. Never mind. That would have been how it went… if things were the same. But they’re not. And they haven’t been in a long time, we both know that. I… can’t even begin to explain how much I regret bringing it up. Any of it. I wish things were still the way they used to be. Maybe they can be again someday. Or maybe they’ll be better.”

Anakin sighed. He didn’t want to have hope, he knew that if he did chances are he would only end up disappointed. But somehow… he still wished that they would be okay again. And believed that there was actually a chance they might be.

“I don’t know. Maybe we’ll end up worse. Maybe all these rules and restrictions the Jedi put on my life will drive me crazy, and I’ll just… leave. Maybe the last time we ever see each other will be sooner than either of us are ready for it to be.”

Anakin hated to think that way, but it was true. There was too much he wanted to do, too much he wanted to be allowed to feel. He wasn’t like the rest of the Jedi, he knew this. He showed up too late, discovered by their resident maverick and trained by the one who had learned everything he knew from said maverick. He was too rebellious.

Anakin knew what everyone said about him. 

Several of the other Padawans thought he was unworthy of having someone like Obi-Wan as his master, thought he didn’t belong with them, that he should have stayed where he was on Tatooine and never come to the temple where he seemed to complicate the life of anyone and everyone he interacted with. 

Most, if not all, of the Council thought that he was too uncontrollable, that he didn’t know the meaning of the word ‘no’, that he was a burden on one of their best Jedi Knights and should be left to someone else to deal with while Obi-Wan was left to be amazing on his own without having to drag his mess of a Padawan everywhere with him. It didn’t matter to them that The Team was more successful on missions than anyone else. They probably thought every success they had was purely because of Obi-Wan.

Before, none of it had mattered. Because Obi-Wan had always been there, always squashed his worries. Every time Anakin had gone to him, nearly in tears at something another Padawan had hissed at him, Obi-Wan had sent out waves of calm through the Force, and let him rant about whatever it was that was bothering him now. He had always assured Anakin that he wouldn’t be kicked out, and that Obi-Wan wouldn’t pass him off to some other Master. That he would never abandon Anakin. That he didn’t think Anakin was a burden, or a problem.

And when Anakin had nightmares, about his mom or about the Jedi and Padawan’s comments being true in some way, Obi-Wan had always given him hot cocoa, and told him a Qui-Gon story, as he knew they were Anakin’s favorites. They always either made him laugh, or left him in awe of the man.

But now, Obi-Wan didn’t do that. When Anakin was hurt at something that another Padawan or Knight had said, he didn’t go to Obi-Wan anymore. He was much too old for that. He could deal with it himself. And when he had nightmares now, he just sat there, drank some water, and tried in vain to go back to sleep. It never worked. And Anakin had been having more frequent nightmares these past few months. He was barely getting any sleep, and he knew that if he went to Obi-Wan, he would feel better but… he just couldn’t. He didn’t want to be the burden everyone said he was. He didn’t want Obi-Wan to push him away even more than he already had.

But at this rate, it wouldn’t matter anyway. Being a Jedi was something he had always wanted as a child. And supposedly, it was something he was destined to be. But lately…

Anakin had always had trouble with the Code. That much was obvious. But, no attachments? Impossible. They are Jedi, not robots. Anakin sighed. He knew he was going to have to leave eventually. He had thought maybe Obi-Wan would do it with him… but clearly he was wrong. Obi-Wan had his mental list of priorities, and Anakin wasn’t as high on the it as he had foolishly thought he was.

Anakin would have to leave Obi-Wan. The thought alone felt like someone had plunged a knife through his heart. But he had to. He couldn’t stay there anymore. No matter how much he loved Obi-Wan, and how much he would miss the life he had created for himself… he was an adult now, and free to make his own decisions. If Obi-Wan didn’t want to make that decision with him, well… that was no longer Anakin’s problem.

Anakin knew that no matter what happened, he would always love Obi-Wan. His Master would forever hold a special place in his heart. But as soon as it seemed like a good enough time to bow out, Anakin would leave. And he would never look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo this is turning out a lot less humor/crack filled than i expected... oops?
> 
> i sowwy to anyone who was expecting that but this is the direction the story took me and i went with it
> 
> oh also i dont know medical stuff or war stuff so idk if some of the stuff i write here sometimes makes any sense whatsoever but if y'all notice anything off, lmk so i can fix it. this story is mostly just me trying to show their story but if there's anything that screams THATS NOT THE WAY IT IS WTF at you lmk
> 
> also this chapter was supposed to be anakin saying all of this out loud to obi-wan but obviously it turned into a kind of internal monologue instead... idk how i feel about it tho
> 
> OH AND in case it wasn't clear bc i haven't said it, the whole A/B/O thing is more of like... a way for me to explain how the mpreg that happens later is possible. i kinda just imagine that it's not really a big deal here it's just their secondary gender and nobody really makes a fuss about anything unless something happens. alphas and omegas take suppressants if they want to or need to (like if you're a jedi who constantly has to go on missions and lead clones into war), betas are just normal, heats and ruts happen but like... it's not a big thing ig


	6. But you're here in my heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI GUYS I'M BACK WITH ANOTHER CHAPTER because i found this and it was already finished and just needed a little bit of editing and honestly i'm not sure i'm completely satisfied with it especially because the selfish vs selfless love study seems to ramble a bit too much but I'M POSTING ANYWAY BC FUCK IT
> 
> so my goal is to finish this by the end of september (like the whole series tho not just this work specifically but all of it) bc i have a lot of ideas that i wanna write and already have a few outlined and even two or three of them started BUT I AM DETERMINED TO FINISH THIS FIRST plus fixing up and posting Seven Days has helped me to dust off a bit and get back in the groove of writing as i intended it to sooooo LETS DO THIS

“…Anakin?”

Anakin mumbled to himself, shifting in the uncomfortable chair. He had been in the Halls of Healing for five days, after a two-day journey back to the Temple. Obi-Wan had been in his coma for a week. The doctors had said he should wake up sometime today, and it seems they were right. Obi-Wan was awake. Unfortunately, Anakin was not.

“Anakin.”

Anakin continued his incoherent mumbling.

Obi-Wan sighed. “Anakin, wake up!”

“Huh, what? What’s going on?” Anakin startled, eyes darting frantically around the room, looking for any sign of danger. His eyes eventually landed on Obi-Wan. Anakin let out a small gasp. “Obi-Wan… Master, you’re awake!” He launched himself at his Master, landing on top of him with his limbs spread out like a starfish.

“Oof! Ani…” Obi-Wan laughed. “Ugh, you’re heavy.”

“Hey!” Anakin exclaimed, offended. Then he decided he didn’t care. It doesn’t matter. Obi-Wan was finally awake! Nothing else matters. “Whatever. How do you feel? Are you in any pain? Too hot? Too cold? Are you hungry or thirsty?” Anakin asked, not allowing any room in between questions for Obi-Wan to actually answer any of them.

Obi-Wan just continued to laugh. “Anakin, I’m fine. A bit cold, and I definitely wouldn’t mind some food, but aside from that… I’m alright.”

Anakin breathed a sigh of relief. “Okay, good. So, no pain then?”

“Not really.” Obi-Wan replied.

“Alright. I’ll see if I can find you an extra blanket or something. Ooh, and if you want I can order in some food from Dex’s.” Anakin offered.

Obi-Wan smiled. “That sounds good. Get some for yourself too, though. I refuse to sit here and eat alone with you just watching me.”

Anakin laughed. “Will do, Master.”

\---

“So, it occurs to me… we have some things we need to discuss.”

“…Yeah, I think you’re right.” Anakin agreed, putting down his food.

“Ani, what did you mean by ‘Maybe all these rules and restrictions the Jedi put on my life will drive me crazy, and I’ll just… leave.’?”

Anakin’s eyes widened. “You heard that? How?”

Obi-Wan smiled sadly. “I heard everything. I don’t know how, but I did.”

“…Oh. Well, I don’t know.” Anakin looked around, eyes landing on everything but his Master.

“Anakin. Ani, look at me.” Obi-Wan said sternly.

Anakin sighed, meeting his eyes.

“You said ‘Maybe the last time we ever see each other will be sooner than either of us are ready for it to be.’” Obi-Wan recalled. “Are you planning on leaving?”

“No!” Anakin said. “Well, actually, I’m not sure. I haven’t really decided yet.”

Obi-Wan’s heart plummeted. Anakin… his Ani… leaving him?

“I’ve been considering it, trying to figure myself out, but everything is too much.” Anakin confessed.

“What does that mean?”

“Ugh, you wouldn’t understand!” Anakin yelled.

“So, help me to!” Obi-Wan yelled back. “Anakin, I want to help you. I want to understand you.”

Anakin shook his head. “You can’t. I feel too much, I have too much pressure on me, too many people breathing down my neck. It’s all getting to me more and more every day.”

Obi-Wan considered this. “What can I do?”

Anakin’s eyebrows shot up. He didn’t know what he was expecting. Probably some bantha shit about releasing his feelings into the Force or meditating, or just a straight up lecture about how he should be mindful of his feelings and control them. But he certainly wasn’t expecting that. “What?”

“What can I do? To help you, I mean. Anakin, everyone goes through this at your age, but it’s worse for you. I want to make it less painful for you, less frustrating. You don’t deserve to feel this way.”

Anakin was about to cry. “Why do you even care?”

“I’ll always care about you, Anakin. No matter how much I’m not supposed to… I always will.”

Anakin was silent for a few moments. “I don’t get it.”

Obi-Wan furrowed his brows. “Don’t get what?”

“We’re basically encouraged to love. But not allowed to form attachments. How is that possible? And how do you tell the difference between them, between selfish and selfless love? What does it even mean to love selflessly? What if that’s what I’ve been doing, but because I’ve been told it’s all wrong, I repressed that too, and that’s why it hurts so much?”

Obi-Wan sighed. He was terrible at explaining this, he barely even understood it himself. When things like this happened, he just repeated what Qui-Gon had told him. This time was no different. “Love can be selfless or selfish. It doesn't matter as long as it is true love.”

“Right, but selfish love is forbidden for Jedi. How can you say it doesn’t matter?”

“…Love is love. If no one is getting hurt, and everyone is happy, there should be nothing wrong with wanting someone to be yours.” Obi-Wan paused. “There are plenty of ways to love and they’re all valid, but some of them mean different things in different circumstances. One huge difference in how our love is perceived by other people is whether it’s coming from a pure and selfless place, or from a needy and selfish one.”

“Okay, I get that. What I don’t understand is… what’s the difference? How do I know if the way I love someone is selfish or not?”

“When we selflessly love people, we accept their flaws and shortcomings more readily. Selfless love accepts that ups and downs are a part of the journey and that the downs are better off when love is there, anyway.” Obi-Wan said, thinking to himself that this is how he felt for Anakin, and wondering if this is how Anakin feels for him.

Obi-Wan knew he needed to explain this in a way Anakin would understand. So, he tried his best, not sure how much was actually being comprehended.

“When love is selfish, it holds back where it should be given freely. Selfish love doesn’t feel safe because it’s conditional, so it doesn’t support people the way that real love is supposed to do. When we love selflessly, we don’t worry about the outcome of it or whether we’re giving more than the other person. Instead, the act of loving feels good and it’s obvious that whatever comes back to us is the right amount.”

Anakin nodded. Obi-Wan wondered if he genuinely understood. Anakin had never been the type to be okay with always being the one to love more. Because he always was. When he felt love, it became so intense and consuming that it would be nearly impossible for anyone to match how strongly he felt it.

“When people love selfishly, they’re doing it to fill a void, which comes from a place of fear. Fear then diminishes love, as opposed to letting it grow organically. Love that is given selflessly doesn’t have an end date, whether people are in our lives or not — it just exists because it feels good to us. Just because a relationship ends doesn’t mean we cut off the supply, even if we don’t really talk to the person much anymore.”

Anakin looked like he had just had some kind of stroke. Or epiphany. Or perhaps both.

“When we love selfishly, other people aren’t really all that receptive, which just feeds into the cycle of feeling needy. It’s a vicious circle, and a totally unnecessary one, but it can be hard to break out of once you’re in it. Selfless love is given as a gift and will be received as one, so there’s no stress or drama in the exchange. When people take free love, they’re just more likely to give it back naturally.”

Obi-Wan knew that Anakin must think that he hadn’t been very receptive of Anakin’s love, but he hoped his Padawan knew that it was not because he didn’t want to. It was because he couldn’t.

“Selfish love creates complicated relationships that can get stuck in one place or fizzle out because it wasn’t there for the right reasons.” Obi-Wan remembered Anakin’s coming and going crush on Padme. If anything ever became of that, with the way their lives were, it almost certainly would not be for the right reasons. “There’s no way it can grow because it’s all about you, not about building a connection. Selfless love provides room for people to grow because it isn’t trying to tie anyone down. That freedom makes for bigger, more open lives with more room to accept and give love in return.”

Obi-Wan wanted to give Anakin everything. He wanted to watch and help him grow as a person, to comfort his chaotic Padawan when he needed it, and support him every step of the way. Anakin was destined for great things, and Obi-Wan wanted to be there when they happened.

“When people love selfishly, they keep it close to themselves in an effort to protect it. It’s stingy and self-centered and there’s only enough to fill your neediness.” The problem with being Jedi is that they’re not used to being able to give their love. So, when they do decide to for whatever reason, it does tend to be selfish. “Selfless love knows that there’s enough love in the world for everyone and that the way to get more is to give more.” This is not a concept they grew up being taught. Obi-Wan only thought this way because it was what Qui-Gon had believed.

Anakin finally decided he had something to say. “Master Yoda always says that attachment leads to jealousy. That we need to train ourselves to let go of everything we fear to lose.”

Ah, yes. Obi-Wan had heard this more times than he could even count. “I think it’s not the things we’re afraid to lose that we need to let go of. We need to let go of the fear. Enjoy the time we have with those we care for. Love unconditionally, and selflessly. Fear is the path to the Dark Side, and yes love can create fear, but it can also create so much that keeps us in the Light.”

“Obi-Wan?” Anakin seemed hesitant, almost afraid to speak.

“Yes, dear one?” Obi-Wan used the endearment abandoned so long ago, said so rarely now, hoping it might calm Anakin. Surely enough, Anakin released the breath he had been holding, his face going a bit pink.

“I love you…” He began, pausing to think about how to phrase his next statement.

“I love you too, Ani.” Obi-Wan replied, both of their hearts jumping at the admission.

“…But I still don’t know whether my love for you is selfish or not. I’m such a mess inside, I can’t tell which one it is.”

“Anakin… I think we both need to take some time to figure ourselves out. You’re not the only one struggling with this.”

“Okay… Will we still be fine? Or do we have to keep our distance again?” Anakin asked hesitantly.

Obi-Wan laughed lightly. “No distance necessary. Just… separate thinking. We need to know how we feel and what we want before we try to tell each other.”

Anakin smiled, thinking that was probably for the best. “I agree.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALSO YOU GUYS idk how i feel about the abo dynamics tag anymore. like, there will be mpreg later in the series so when i first began writing this i intended for that to be how it was possible, but now i'm not sure because that doesn't seem to be the direction the story took me in... so idk y'all help me out here. should i remove those tags? keep them and edit in some abo stuff? i definitely still want to do an abo verse story but idk if that should be this one ya know... i might just remove the tags and say that the mpreg was possible bc of weird stewjonni biology
> 
> like oh why is obi-wan pregnant ? the people of stewjon and their biology that's why


	7. So who can stop me if i decide

“So… you and Skywalker?”

“…What?”

Master Windu rolled his eyes. “Oh, come on, Obi-Wan. Do you really think we haven’t noticed?”

Obi-Wan froze. He stopped walking, Master Fisto bumping into him. “What are you talking about?”

“That kid almost never leaves your side, runs headfirst into danger repeatedly to help you no matter what else could possibly go wrong from it, and looks at you like you’re some kind of god.” Master Fisto replied, completely failing to hide his laughter.

Master Plo Koon nodded. “I swear if he could physically attach himself to you like a leech, he would. If only to never let you out of his sight.”

“I…” Obi-Wan’s face was bright red. He had no idea what to say.

Master Windu rolled his eyes again. “Relax, Obi-Wan. Nobody is going to kick you out, or break you apart, or whatever it is you’re so afraid of.”

Okay, now Obi-Wan was confused. “…What about the Code? No attachments…”

“That boy was doomed to be attached from the very beginning. He didn’t grow up here, we know this. We can’t simply expect him to forget everything he knew before he arrived.” Master Fisto said.

“He was a slave. He was probably taught by his mother that anything they could get their hands on, any possession they had, was to be kept.” Master Plo agreed.

Master Windu nodded at their statements in agreement, turning back to Obi-Wan. “Skywalker has been a force to be reckoned with from day one. He’s more powerful than even Master Yoda. He probably thinks we all hate him… but you know we don’t. We’re just… cautious about how we deal with him.”

“There is a darkness in him, one we could never understand. There is so much about him that is a question mark.” Master Fisto said.

Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow. “…Okay, see this is why he thinks you all hate him. If you simply explained this to him, rather than treating him the way you do, we wouldn’t have this issue, would we?”

“We try to, but he’s not easy to talk to. He’s not easy to interact with in any way. I worry about him. He’s very closed off from most people. Well, except you.” Master Plo admitted.

“That’s because I trust him, and he trusts me. And he knows that. You always act as if you don’t trust him, as if he is still the nine-year-old he was when Qui-Gon found him. Unpredictable, immature, prone to genocide apparently. He’s not.”

“Are you sure? Because he is still more than a bit irrational and impulsive. And maybe he isn’t to you, because you know him so well, but to the rest of us he’s just as unpredictable as he has always been. And as for the genocide… well that is it’s own issue to be dealt with.” Master Windu shrugged.

Obi-Wan was quick to defend his Anakin. “He only becomes irrational when he deeply cares about something. And yes, he’s impulsive, but that’s not always a bad thing. I wouldn’t be standing here, alive and talking to you, if he wasn’t these things. Sure, he needs to work on controlling it so it doesn’t get out of hand, but we have time for that, and I can help him.”

“I sure hope so. Look… he’s at his most centered in every way when he’s with you. And you are your most at peace with him. Maybe not necessarily relaxed, but maybe that’s not a bad thing either. Neither of you are ever brighter in the Force than when you’re together. None of us have any intention of ruining that for either of you. We’re on your side.” Master Fisto tried to placate him.

“…So, what are you saying then?” Obi-Wan asked suspiciously.

Master Windu sighed. “We’re saying… you and Skywalker are good together. I have no doubt that even after he’s Knighted, you will find some way to stay close. It is clear to anyone who looks at you together for more than a few seconds how you feel about each other. But it’s also clear that there has been some… trouble in paradise lately. And correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe that trouble is due to you not wanting to break the Code. But with Skywalker, and really with your whole disaster lineage, attachment is basically unavoidable. So, as long as you don’t let your attachments get in the way of being Jedi… the Council will turn a blind eye to it.”

Obi-Wan stood there, mouth agape, staring at Master Windu. Never, in all his years of knowing the man, would he have ever expected the usually stoic, strict, and rule-following Jedi to say those words to him, but there it was. Obi-Wan could be with Anakin, and the Council wouldn’t intervene. 

Obi-Wan gasped. He had to go find Anakin, and tell him the good news.

\---

Anakin sat on his bedroom floor, absentmindedly levitating a few spare parts of machinery around him. He had been deep in thought for hours. After taking apart and putting back together nearly all of his and Obi-Wan’s kitchen appliances, he finally ran out of things to try to fix. 

Anakin had been in deep thought all day. After his talk with Obi-Wan in the Halls of Healing, they had stayed close but there had been something off about them since then. They were both doing a lot of thinking, and trying to figure themselves out. But with this thinking came some doubt, at least from Anakin’s side of things. He was beginning to wonder if this whole matter with Obi-Wan was more trouble than it was worth.

Anakin was wondering if maybe they should just drop this whole thing and try to forget about it. Maybe trying to get closer would only push them further apart. After all, if they continued on the way they had been before, they could still stay in each other’s lives. But if they were to form a relationship and the Council found out, they would more than likely be separated. That was the last thing he wanted. 

Anakin needed Obi-Wan in his life like he needed air to breathe. Obi-Wan was his oxygen, and Anakin couldn’t live without him. He didn’t know who he was without his Master by his side.

Anakin would always want more. He always wanted what he couldn’t have. He always wanted more than he already had. He was insatiable, but this is one matter in which he needed to ignore those feelings. As long as he had Obi-Wan with him, in any way, that was more than enough. And if he tried to have more, he would surely end up with less.

Anakin began to think maybe he should try to focus his affections on someone else. Someone outside the Order, who he could be with and only have to worry about getting himself kicked out. Like Padme. Ah, Queen Padme Amidala. Actually, no, Anakin had recently heard that she had finished her second and last term as Queen and was now serving as the Senator of Naboo. Which would mean that she would more than likely have to come to Coruscant, sooner or later.

Okay, this could work. Anakin could just… redirect his affections to Padme. Try to fall in love with her instead. It wouldn’t be easy to stop loving Obi-Wan, but it at least shouldn’t be too hard to start loving Padme. She was one of the most beautiful angels he had ever seen, the kindest girl he had ever met, and never failed to make him laugh.

And while he would still have to keep her a secret, it wouldn’t be nearly as difficult as it would be with Obi-Wan. Granted, they wouldn’t get as much time together, and he would have to be a bit more careful sneaking around, but he could make it work. 

He wouldn’t have to hide his love for her on a daily basis, only when he’s with her in front of other people, which wouldn’t be as often as it would be with Obi-Wan. He and his Master were around other Jedi all the time, the only time they were not is if they’re in their quarters or if they’re on a mission. And even then, they both have friends over to hang out sometimes, and on missions they’re usually surrounded by people too. 

Really, the amount of alone time he would get with either of them is about the same, but that’s not what Anakin is concerned about anyway. Because it’s the same, that makes it even less of a deciding factor. Anakin wouldn’t be able to hide his love for Obi-Wan in front of the other Jedi and anyone else they ended up around, which would inevitably cause problems and suspicion.

Plus, Anakin had always wanted a family. Since he was a child, he had always wanted kids of his own someday. He couldn’t really have that with Obi-Wan, unless they adopted, which wouldn’t be allowed if they were still Jedi, as the attachment between a parent and their child is seen as the strongest of all. With Padme, he could start his own family. Obi-Wan would still be a part of it, just in a different way. Obi-Wan would always be his family.

It was decided then. Anakin was going to redirect his love onto Padme.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i made myself kinda sad writing this one, but during the next (and last) chapter i literally broke my own heart so y'all brace yourselves for that one bc i'm posting it soon (idk exactly when, most likely tomorrow around the same time, so like 2-3 am ish)
> 
> also i still have yet to decide about the abo thing... i feel like if i tried to edit it in now it would interrupt the already established flow of the story so i'm leaning towards just removing the tags... lmk what y'all think
> 
> also sorry if any of the characters are ooc i'm just writing based on my own headcanons... nobody has really mentioned any of them being ooc but idk i worry sometimes ya know


	8. That you're my destiny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LAST CHAPTER IS FINALLY HERE LETS DO THIS SHIT

“Anakin, do you want to go to dinner tonight? Maybe Dex’s? There’s something I need to talk to you about.” Obi-Wan spoke into his commlink, trying and most likely failing to hide his excitement.

“Sure, Master. Actually, I have something I’ve been meaning to tell you too.” Anakin said, sounding a bit sad. How strange.

Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow at his comm, as if that would force the device to reveal just why his Padawan sounded like someone had just told him his beloved pet died. Obi-Wan knew what that sounded like, as he had once had to inform his own Master that their newest stray life form, an actually quite adorable loth-cat if he remembered correctly, had passed. That was a sad day. “Alright… Meet you there around 6?”

“Yup. See you then… Bye.” Anakin hung up.

“…Okay, that was weird.” Obi-Wan said aloud to himself, before realizing how insane he must look, talking to himself.

Obi-Wan set about doing things to pass the time. Today was a rare day off for him, and he had originally planned on enjoying it with Anakin but unfortunately his beloved Padawan had already made plans with his friend, and sort-of cousin if one were to put the Jedi into traditional family dynamics, Aayla Secura. 

It was alright though, Obi-Wan was actually happy that they got along so well and liked to hang out when they both had time off. Aayla was already a Knight but she didn’t let that stop her from being friends with a Padawan, as most Knights tend to do. 

Granted, that is how they’re supposed to do it. It becomes difficult to become or remain friends with Padawans once one is Knighted, unless they work together often enough, which rarely happens. The vastly different responsibilities make it hard to hang out as they would like to or as they once did. 

But Aayla had taken a liking to Anakin from the first day they met, nearly ten years ago, and had refused to let their friendship disappear after her Knighting. Obi-Wan suspected she thought of him as her baby brother or cousin, in need of protecting and guiding. And she was more than happy to play the role of big sister, to teach him all about the life things that the Jedi deem unnecessary to teach, thinking that their younglings will eventually figure these things out on their own.

So, really, Obi-Wan was happy they were spending time together. He just wished it didn’t have to be on his one free day in weeks. His talk with Master Windu, Master Plo, and Master Fisto had been over a week ago. But since then he and Anakin had both been very busy, and it always seemed that when they weren’t, Anakin tried to avoid him. Which was even more strange, when one considered the fact that Anakin himself had been very adamant that despite their own separate thinking they needed to do, he didn’t want it to drive them apart so much that they stopped talking again.

But it was fine. Or maybe it wasn’t, Obi-Wan didn’t really know yet. He figured he would find out tonight.

\---

“Honestly, Aayla, I don’t know what to do.” Anakin confided, having just finished telling his friend all of his troubles. He was so glad he had her, unlike most of the Jedi she actually seemed interested in trying to figure him out, understand what he was going through, and help him. She was like the big sister he never had. Although, he supposed, now he does have, since she’s in his life.

“Anakin… I understand your hesitation with Obi-Wan, but do you really think it’s a good idea to lead Padme on like that? This could all so easily go very wrong and blow up in your face.” Aayla responds, apprehension in her tone.

“I wouldn’t be leading her on! I know it probably sounds like I would be, but I actually care about her. I love her, even if it’s not in that way yet, and she’s beautiful. Like an angel.”

“Okay, but you already love Obi-Wan in that way, and he already loves you… sure he’s afraid but his fears are valid. Either way, you’ll have to hide a relationship, so wouldn’t you rather hide someone you truly love rather than someone you’re basically forcing yourself to love?”

“Of course I would! That’s not the only problem though. If I get caught… with Padme it would mean only I get kicked out of the Order. Which… it’s not that I want that to happen but it’s not nearly as bad as it would be if Obi-Wan got kicked out. The Jedi have been his family for his whole life. I only became a Jedi because of Qui-Gon and some stupid prophecy, and because my mother wanted me to be free. It’s just different. I may not know who I am without Obi-Wan, but I do know who I am without the Jedi.”

Aayla considered this. What Anakin was saying did make sense… and she had known from the beginning that life as a Jedi wasn’t exactly what Anakin had thought it would be. That it may not be the best fit for him.

She had grown up in the creche, so she was used to their more rigid and emotionless ways. She was better at dealing with the non-physical challenges of their life than Anakin was. Aayla had tried to help him as much as she could over the years, and she knew the others in their little pseudo-family unit had as well. But it was more difficult for him than any of them, and it only became harder for them to understand him as the years went on. 

Anakin had known a life of not owning much, but holding on to what little you did have. He had known nearly ten whole years of his mother’s love and protection. Anakin was taught that the biggest problem in the universe was that nobody helps each other, and so he decided he should help any good people who needed it. He had such a big heart, so much love to give, so much light and good in him.

If Aayla was being honest with herself, she knew that the way the Jedi perceived attachments was wrong. Fear, hate, suffering… those were the paths to the Dark Side. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that attachments automatically mean Darkness. Obsession, jealousy, possession, desperation, repression… when attachments contain those things, that is when said attachments begin to lose their Light.

Some attachments are actually good. Being attached to someone in the Light can help those who struggle with the Dark work harder to remain good. Aayla knew that Anakin often struggled with an unknown Darkness in him. The way he described it almost made it sound like it was someone else. Like the Dark being in his mind was a whole other person, living in his mind but not actually created by it. And it seemed to have only appeared after he left Tatooine, which was strange, but a problem for another day. Right now…

“Don’t force yourself to love Padme. If you want to pursue a relationship of sorts with her, I promise I won’t tell anyone, as long as you don’t let it get out of hand. She deserves better than to have something rushed and disastrous, and so do you. If you actually fall in love with her, that’s great. But if you don’t, you’ll have to end it. Neither of you should lead the other on if you don’t actually care for each other the way people in romantic relationships should.”

Aayla would let Anakin have this because she loved him. He was her baby brother, and she knew he needed this, so she refused to stand in the way of it. She grabbed his hand, holding it comfortingly.

“But make sure you talk to Obi-Wan about it. He needs to know you’ve decided not to pursue anything with him, and he needs to know why. It’ll probably be a difficult conversation, but it’s necessary.”

Anakin nodded, eyes looking sad and troubled, yet determined. “I know. I’m supposed to meet him at Dex’s later. I’ll tell him then.”

\---

“Anakin!” Obi-Wan smiled as he waved his Padawan over to their table.

Anakin, practically vibrating in his own skin from anxiety, walked over and sat down. He have his Master a shaky smile. “Hey, Master.”

Obi-Wan gave him an assessing once over. “Are you alright, Ani? You seem troubled.”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Anakin deflected, internally sobbing. Crying on the inside like a winner, he thought bitterly.

“…Right. I don’t believe you. Seriously, what’s wrong?” Obi-Wan was having none of his bullshit today, it seemed.

Anakin just blinked at him, considering whether or not he should tell Obi-Wan before they’ve even ordered their food. He kind of wanted to have at least a little bit more time to think about how to word everything, and to just enjoy the evening for a bit before he had to break his own heart and possibly Obi-Wan’s.

But then his anxiety grew and caused his stomach to churn, so he figured it might be better to just tell Obi-Wan now.

“Uhm… that thing I needed to talk to you about? It’s about… us.”

Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow. “Oh, really? So is mine. Do you want to say yours first, or shall I?”

Better to just get it over with now, Anakin decided. He took a deep breath. “I can’t do this.”

“You… can’t do what, exactly?” Obi-Wan asked, fear beginning to appear at the edges of his words.

“This…” Anakin gestured back and forth between them. “Us. I… I will always love you. But this is too much. It’s too hard, and I can’t live with the fear that if we get caught we’ll both get in trouble. I thought I could, I really did, but I love you too much to do that to you. I never should have brought it up in the first place.” Anakin ducked his head, unable to meet Obi-Wan’s eyes.

After a few moments of silence, though, Anakin got curious. He looked back up and his breath caught in his throat at the expression on Obi-Wan’s face. Pain, sadness, regret. It only lasted a second. After Obi-Wan heard the faint noise that came from Anakin he seemed to realize that he was somewhere people could see him, and schooled his face into a blank expression. Anakin hated it.

“Obi-Wan, please understand…” Anakin reached for his Master’s hand across the table, only to have it violently jerked away before he could even make contact. He sobbed quietly. “Please, I’m sorry. I’ve known for a while this life, being a Jedi, wasn’t exactly right for me. But it is for you, I can see that. You’re so perfect, in every way, and everyone can see you’re a perfect Jedi. This is your life, and I couldn’t live with myself knowing I was the one putting it at risk. We should just… forget everything that happened, everything we said, and try to go back to the way we were before.”

Anakin pleaded with Obi-Wan to understand, but his Master only regarded him with the same blank look for a few moments more before taking a deep breath and speaking words that Anakin didn’t quite understand the meaning of at that moment, but would never forget the significance of later. “You are my life. I would’ve given everything else up for you, even though we didn’t have to. But if you want to just forget about all of it, act like none of it even happened, then fine.”

Anakin watched as his Obi-Wan, his Master, the love of his life got up and walked away. He didn’t know it at the time, but from that moment on, nothing would be the same for them… ever again.

\---

It had been a few months since that night at the diner. Obi-Wan and Anakin were finally starting to get along as they once did when they were called in for their new mission. Senator Amidala was being targeted by bounty hunters. They were to be her personal bodyguards.

Anakin projected excitement, but struggled internally. Obi-Wan smiled agreeably on the outside, but cried on the inside.

This was going to be interesting for all those involved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo uhm i'm sorry ? i know some of you were probably expecting a happy ending here but that was never the plan for this work. HOWEVER they do get their happy ending i promised you... just not yet
> 
> also if anyone was wondering, the timeline for this universe goes  
> TPM > Series Part 1 > AOTC > Clone Wars TV Series > ROTS > Series Part 2 > Series Part 3  
> i don't remember if i've mentioned it before but this series, at least so far, doesn't mess with canon too much
> 
> OOH AND how do we feel about a Part 4 for this series ?? i was going to do i kind of rewrite of the original trilogy to make it fit this universe but i haven't started it yet and i have so many other ideas i want to work on but i also still really want to work on this one ?? so let me know whether that's something y'all would be interested in here
> 
> also i think i've said it before but for a lot of this i'm just going off my own headcanons so AAYLA AND ANAKIN ARE COUSINS WHO LOVE EACH OTHER LIKE BROTHER AND SISTER prove me wrong i dare ya XD
> 
> ummm i love kudos !! and questions and comments are always welcome bc i also love chatting with y'all down in the comments so hit me uppp do ittt :D


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